Forgive Me

Forgive me....

You know, I could never forgive and probably will never be able...

Forgive me for the days I haven`t spend with you. But we have lived together beautiful moments that are worth to be remembered forever: drops from the ocean of the memories....

Forgive me for the letters you have never got. I think they always are late. I don`t want to be too late and I don`t want this world to have pieces of our existance...

Forgive me for the calls that have never made to wish you sweet dreams. The voice in the phone always seems foreign, but we have much more: the sounds of the closest souls....

Forgive me for the walks that have never gone for.The streets of common cities are too narrow for the happines of two: different arts of dfferent worlds....

Forgive me for the words that have never said and forgive for the silence that have been shared.I just like the songs of the hurted wind: the magic from the river of the sadness....

Forgive me for not being by your side. I just wanted to show the strength of my will: stupid selfishness...

Forgive me for not holding you as strongly as I can.People can break the hitches we make: the mockery of the fate...

Forgive me for the sentences that have been wriiten just for me and you: circumstances of life....


You know i could never forgive and probably will never be able..

Forgive me..

Secret Society

It`s about a society which doors are closed, closed for others. But it has founders and sometimes one of them open the window to air this unknown society. It`s called Fram, people have no idea what it means, but if you search it on google, you will find interesting facts,. The same name had the sheep of Fridtjof Nansen and it was built to be used in the expeditions of the Arctic and Antarctic regions. It was the strongest sheep in that times and it means ``Forward``. I just mention this fact but no one really knows if the name of the secret society is named in honor of Nansen or not, maybe it means something different. For example ``Free Races around Mountains`` or something else. No one even knows what ideology they have. And this is what that I was told by one of the founders. I can`t give her name because I swore to keep it in a secret until my death so this is the secret that I will take with me to the grave.
``You surely know what means terribly be tired of a life without anything strange. I mean you are teen and you feel you can break every limit of the races and you can leave your own traces in this huge world. But you become elder and you start changing your dreams just because you understand that you have too great dreams and they will never come true. This is the result of our education. They make you at least understand that you have nothing special and different, and strange in you. And what you do next??? You start studying things that are forbidden as you need to find mistakes. Someone becomes famous, someone dies in a street, someone lives whole life without looking for answers, someone decides to be just happy, someone finds a job and deceives himself that he has everything he needs, someone is just too scare to do the first step, and someone is lazy to wake up too early to run in the mornings. And what are people looking for. They look for anything that will make them not think about nonsense of this empty world. I know what you think. You think why a woman who is beautiful, lucky, has a good job and a perfect boyfriend is thinking darkly. And maybe you will be right because this is the question I can`t answer.
I just want to tell how it begins. You know you have friends, relatives, brothers or sisters and maybe also some other people who are always around you but you can`t call them neither friends nor enemies and so you are surrounded with people who don`t listen to you, don`t know what you think what you dream about. And you want find someone with whom you will be fond of discussing you favorite books or the last film you have watched. By the way I have seen the Smile of Mona Lisa and I advise you to watch it by all means. So, I wanted to find some people who would have the same feeling. And I put a short message on Internet which declared this. ``People who have discovered the secrets of hell and still are alive, come and see the rare flower I have brought from the moon.`` Then I wrote the place and time we were going to meet.
When I turned off my computer, I was sure, none would come, but there were 6 people waiting me in the place I can`t say anyone in my life. So everything started………………….
Be sure sometimes I find my happiness in my madness.``

fashion experience

Sometimes it happens and when it happens suddenly you wonder how it happened. And it changes you and you get something more than feelings, you get experience. When circumstances take you to a point where you have never mind you`ll appear, you understand that Life is playing with you. And it`s unequal war between who you are and who you pretend to be and always the victory chose you when you decide not to let your own scares take the prize and win.
The feeling when you walk on the stage is indescribable, amusing, and magic because you have role and you try to be someone else trying to put something from you in the person you are going to be. People don`t know what you really feel and they don`t know what you think. They just admire. Your confident steps make you closer to the audience and at the same time show that you are different from them. It is the power of felling power…
She would prefer to have only him looking at her at that moment. He was so stupid that he didn`t understand that simple fact. But he went on living and smiling and doing things he was used to do. And he found the life boring while she had gone with all magic she had and while he was trying to find himself he lost her: too late……
But the day was cold and when it is called someone always hurries to warm someone.

History Of A Letter

A letter for my brother........
We got it yesterday but as my brother isn`t here now I took it to keep for him. I had a terrible wish to open it, but of course I coludn`t do it. So I hided so that no one could find it but I thought about it the whole day. It was a letter from a friend. But I knew that there had to be written words that were much deeper like feelings that should`t be shown.
You know when you wish the world to be only yours, you want the sun to warm only you and the stars to be your property and you can say about these things no one els but someone who can`t hear. When you want to love someone but there is no one who understands you, so you ensure yourself that it`s cool to be alone but whole you with your soul, and heart and body eager someone`s hugs though it is summer and it is too hot.
You know you just can`t say anyone that sometimes it seems to you that you are a bit crazy dreamer because every time a star falls down you make a wish to create someting that hasn`t been created yet. Even you can`t say that you believe that some day all wars in the world will end and peopl will stop hating each other. It`s stupid but however you believe in it. You just can`t say that from time to time you wake up with strong wish to escape from everything and everone but you also can`t ran away because ther are something and someone who strongly hold you.
You just can`t say anyone that you find morning terrible beautiful because they remind you of the mornings that you wake up with him, and also you can,t just say anyone that mornigs spending together just dreams that you have seen during long nights and you can just say no one that you dream of having a ship that will take you to the Wonderland and people just shouldn`t know that you know about the existanc of Eldorado because sometimes people used to spoil your dreams.
I think so. My bad but people really can break you.
But also I think that from time to time you share everything you have with someone you know or even don`t, but It`s like moments when you need to tell someone about your dreams, your scares, your feelings and you feel like you will die if you don`t do it and when you do this you give someone a chance to hurt you...
I thought that the letter that my brother got was about his friend`s dreams, wishes, worries, scares,thoughts and I called my brother, he laughed at me and asked me to open it. He has already known what it is. I opened it....
There was just one dollar and nothing else...
Sometimes you just can`t say anyone that you think that a letter with one dollar is a love confession letter............................

Norwegian explorer, scientist and Nobel Peace Prize laureate Fridtjof Nansen had done a great discovery by researching the whole maternity of Arctic, and he became a national hero at the age of 28, but when he was only 10, people who knew him, were sure that he would be a great man as well as he thought himself. The same feeling I have now. I know that a wonderful life is waiting for me. I am still here and it has been some days that I have done nothing useful for others, but I now I have reached to the finish and I see a new start. It’s the start which will lead me to the places I am mad about. I am not going to discover the forces that influence on the movement of icebergs but I am going to live a whole life not to regret for anything. Live beautifully is a slogan which should be put in the basis of our life. So many places, seas, oceans, mountains, deserts, waterfalls, cities have been created to be seen and not just to be informed, so I am going to see them. Life should be filled by adventures. Fill it with them.:)

Japan

Though there are various countries with their various cultures but I think one of the most specific cultures is the culture of Japan. Their architectural buildings, their traditions, their lifestyles all are different from the one we have in Armenia. Everything foreign is interesting because it attracts and makes us feel original. For example, the Japanese tea ceremony, also called the Way of Tea, is a Japanese cultural activity involving the ceremonial preparation and presentation of green tea. In Japanese, it is called chanoyu. Though, all the world know that English people are fond of drinking tea, but I guess few of them know that tea preparation in Japan is a science which includes some rules, some styles and even it is taught in schools or there are groups where anyone who wants can study.

Their Literature is also interesting. I have found few books from Japan authors. And when I look for them in our city library, woman who works there, advise me not to read just because they don`t have any. A week ago I found a Japan writer`s book by chance in my grandfather library and I started to read. It touched my soul because the description of feelings where so detailed that you just can`t fell the same as the heroes of book feel. It was the book of Abe Kobo, who was also an inventor. I read ``The face of another``. IT is mystic and has deep sense. So, I`ll visit Japan by all means.

A bit Strange

People make to kill everything strange we have in us by responsibilities and social laws to understand us better..............
Moments like these you want to be a bit stranger, because you get sick of understanding everyone or everything or pretending that you do so. Moments like these you want to sit in the sofa looking out of the window and listening to the magic sounds of Moonlight Sonata. Moments like these you eager to be alone and no one`s smile will make you feel warmer because in these rare moments every sound of your own soul takes you somewhere far from all usual things and you discover the magic part of the world. Moments like these words are said in vain and the pain you have seems sweeter than anyone`s insincere hug and your great wish to create something lead you to do incredible things that will explain yourself that you haven.t killed yet everything strange you have. You listen and listen to the sounds of life and your all scares disappeared somewhere and you remember that craziness is too much useful for the health of our mind, so impossible, unbelievable are words that make us not to take a risk. But only that risk can become the taste of your life and you want to discover an island not to live there alone during your whole life but to find the treasures that one of the kings has kept there long time before.
Moments like these you find out that you have a great patience to listen to yourself and you need no words to explain what you feel. There is not a deadlock, there is not a final point, there are ways that always take you somewhere, and maybe in any cross-road you will meet someone familiar or a close soul, so in these rare moments you will get known with a type of an organization that calls The Union OF Souls. I am going to find a job there.

Your Fault

To be alone with your shadow is so painful as if the whole world has gathered to judge me. I have broken a law but I am not going to protect my rights as the nature will do it for me and it`s not my fault. Maybe people blame me, but only desires rule the world and not the naive people who are so powerless that they don`t want to believe in it. Every action is someone`s desire, passion, wish, dream and only the existence of them can make mankind get the sense of everything.
You are not the sense I am looking for but I feel something and it`s not my fate, it`s yours fault. I want you to be a foreigner, because I don`t care for people whom I don`t know, but you seem so close that sometimes I have a great wish to ran far from you. You scare me because you want to find out who I am, but even I don`t know, so don`t try.

I know

There are things that I don`t know, but I know that everything is so simple to make complicated that people prefer to hate and not to love. I know the world, and the way I know it, will never be discovered because there are several types of the view to the world. Everything is the matter of our values and world view we have. In this world there are things that I will never do and people who do it, become a foreigner. I wander and the ways I choose are sometimes the wrong ones, but they are the results of my own choice and people who are so lazy that don`t want to find their ways are people of non-importance. I have fallen so many times that it has become something usual for me, I have lost so many games but I know that I`ll play again. It`s the passion of our life.
It`s no matter how hard we try, people always hurt us, maybe they don`t do it on purpose, maybe even they don`t guess, or even don`t care, but they hurt and you can`t change the fact, you pretend that everything is ok, but you lie, you know that someday, when you meet one of them you will not be able to smile and to greet. It`s no matter how hard you try, things will change, people will change too, everything will be different, and you will not be able to go back to the past to change things, so don`t care of the things you can`t change. Let`s use or efforts to change our future>
I know I have to do this. It`s my own way to see and feel the Life.

A magic week

It is something like miracle. There are so many new things to enjoy and see, and find and remember. I am afraid to miss something, to lose the chance I am given. I can breathe deeply and can close and open my eyes and see a city behind me, a city that is always beautiful during days and nights, a city that takes us to a magic part of our common life. I don`t want to change anything because everything seems as perfect as our Life is. I guess I can walk and walk in the streets and never get tired, I can enjoy everything and never get satisfied. So magic moments of Life is entirely connected with the city I haven`t been before and maybe I`ll never be again, and though even it won`t manage to know me, I know it`ll be one of my best friends, because it is giving me much than anyone else can take.
This city has been witness of so many stories, kings and queens and it has the smell of the Middle Ages, so the fresh and old has been mixed in the streets of the city and everyone can admire this atmosphere. So many thoughts are created here and maybe no one will discover it, but there is something that is certain: our memories will be durable during whole our life.
From my diary
22.02.2012

Too much to remember and too much to forget

Too much to remember and too much to forget: Disappointments, failures, discoveries, achievements, regrets and too much mixed feelings…But everything will pass and the only thing that will stay is the memory of bad and good days, People come, play their own role and then they go and only special ones stay even when they left. Words that have been said will never be changed, but the importance can be lost in time.
And too little time and too much to say: too much feeling for you. And the reason of it hasn’t been found. I have too much too say. You know human being will never be taught to fly like a bird. Don’t smile I have realized it, but I am going to strive for my dreams and I am leaving. Sometimes it’s better to leave and to save your belief than to stay and change the religion you have. You were special one so keep it deep in your soul. Don’t change. Don’t pretend. Be yourself always and everywhere. You were so kind, so be honest in your kindness. And never give up even when you have a great wish to turn back.
I am leaving now. You stayed in the past. You were special one, but who you were I didn’t know. I had too much to say, but nothing was said……